I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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