I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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