I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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