It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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