She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
