put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
