There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
