True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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