he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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