apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
