She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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