when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
