new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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