alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Randomize
