Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
