i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
