I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
