Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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