So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
