Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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