what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
