John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
