Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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