I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
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I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
There are leaves in my underwear?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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