Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
