is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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