someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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