Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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