I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
