is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
