According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
