I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
