Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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