My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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