apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
