it wasn't lemon gatorade
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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