Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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