It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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