I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
