I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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