im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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