the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
