omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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