you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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