I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
