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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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