I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
