My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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