So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
even my farts smell like vagina
Everything about him screamed your future.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
