mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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