my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
