I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
