Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
