When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
