I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
