I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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