I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
