so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
