if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
