Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
bring money and cleavage
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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