please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
