Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
